Why do we have to threaten to leave the hospital to know why we are really here?

They found pockets of fluid in Feliz's belly and some in her lungs. They extracted as much as try could and believe they fluid is the reason for her elevated white blood cell count, so they are giving her an antibiotic that can only be administered through IV, while they wait for the culture to grow and then they will know what kind of infection it is and if an OTC antibiotic can be given. This will be Monday that they will get the results of the culture back. They only just told us all of this after Feliz decided she wanted to leave AMA. It always seems that she comes in for one thing only for them to find something(s) else wrong with her after they solve that problem. They act like she's only here for observation and that there's no real risk for her UNTIL we drops the AMA threat on them, then they show concern for her health. I can't say either one of us likes any part of Baylir Irving, besides the Neonatal ICU which has always taken great care of our babies.

Feliz is having a hard time as is to be expected when you're in and out of the hospital what seems like ever other week. She feels she's lost so much time apart from Emily the past year and is ready to stop coming here. She knows she can't honestly do that, but at times she's so defeated and so am I. I can't pull her out of these funks sometimes, but sometimes I can, so I try every time.

Luckily my brother Mark and sis-in-law Amber are keeping Em for the weekend so I can stay at the hospital all day today and hopefully a good amount of tomorrow in the hopes to help the time go by easier and of course for the company and support. At least we get to see Olivia anytime we want.

I'm still believing that these posts will be looked back on as a strong testimony of God's faithfulness.

Thanks for your continued prayers. We love you all.

Ready to lose it.

I don't know how much longer I can be the strong one. It's not an act. I HAVE been the strong one. It's just that I don't know how long I can continue to do so. One more straw WILL break this proverbial camel's back. I'm giving as much of these worries and thoughts to God but it's becoming a part-time job just to give them to Him. I'm running out of energy, time and breath to speak to him during the day. I hope He's just about ready to prove His Awesomeness to Feliz and I (and to all of you readers/fellow prayers). It hurts more than I can describe to not have the words to say to Feliz to talk her out of her sorrow and desperation. As her husband I hurt to see her hurt it is frustrating when I can't find any words to comfort her. Granted she has always come out of the funks she falls into, but that doesn't mean while she's there it's not extremely taxing on both of us.

I want God's healing hand to grab a hold of her and shake her until that pancreas and those kidneys are jump-started again. I want Him to restore her wounded soul and her mind to not doubt Him or the plan he obviously has for her.

I want to have so many praises to sing to Him, that I can't live long enough to sing them all. I want to be able to die with the testimony of His works still rolling of of my tongue. I want Peter to tell me to "shut up now" when I arrive at the gates.

I want anyone that stumbles upon this blog to not just read it as my (and Feliz's) struggles but that it will be evidence of the victories GOD made happen. I pray that my simple sentences and elementary words will dig deep into people's souls and find that God-shaped hole they may have and that they'll be ready and fully willing to let God finally fill it.

I want everyone to know without the slightest shred of doubt that God exists and that HE will get us through EVERYTHING we are scared or worried about.

I want to stop starting these paragraphs with "I want" because it makes me feel like a terrible writer. But maybe I am. And maybe I don't care. Never mind the maybe. I don't care.

I want...just kidding. I love you Lord and I will praise You through the storm(s).

Here I am. In that old place again. Baylor Irving...

My alarm clock never got a chance to wake me up this morning. Instead I awoke to my name being called. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. After I shook the sleep out of my ears, I noticed it sounded like Feliz's voice. She was calling me, but I didn't reply because Emily shared the bed with us last night. I just mustered my strength and sleep-walked to the bathroom. Feliz has the most panicked-look on her face I've ever seen as she said with wet eyes "I can't stop bleeding". As she uttered this, my eyes dropped to the floor that was covered in blood and still more was falling and crawling down her legs and rolling down the outside bowl of the toilet. I was freaked out to say the least. I asked how she felt and when/how it started. It had just started and she felt fine besides scared out of her mind. She had already made the executive decision to throw her crimson panties in the trash can. "I don't know what to do," she said as the tears rolled down her porcelain face. I said "Call the paramedics to take you to the hospital." It was a no-brainer for me. She said ok. I called and they were there in 3 minutes, yet after a minute she acted like they were taking forever to get there. In the meantime, I called my mom to come stay with Emily so I could follow to the hospital. They arrived and I helped answer their questions and got her some towels to help control the bleeding as best as we could. Best in this case wasn't very good at all unfortunately.

My mom got to the apartment just as they were driving out. I left soon after to be with her in the ER. She was still very scared and unsure as to why this was happening. She was certain of the fact she was extremely worried and scared. Who could blame her. She's been through SO much and she just always asks the question, "why me?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. I wish I knew how to keep her from losing faith and sleep and sometimes her sanity.

The doctors were little to no help, as we've come to expect. They did labs and also an ultrasound. The Ultrasound found that she had blood in her uterus. After finding this, they gave her Cytotec, a drug that pretty much makes her uterus contract and here's the interesting part, they then discharged her. She was starving so we stopped for lunch at Sonic then went by my Mom's to pick up Emily, but instead just had her drop off the prescription as Feliz and I headed to the apartment. We had been there maybe 5 minutes before Feliz again was making the bathroom look like a crime scene from Dexter. She had done this at my Mom's as well. If I had to guess, she had lost close to a pint of blood by now.

She made it to the bedroom sans our new bedsheets, luckily. Within 5 minutes she was in a world of pain from the cytotec causing bad cramps as she contracted. She told me she needed to go back to the hospital so again we called the paramedics and were on out way. This time I rode along. If the ride is going to cost me $500 or more, I might as well get in on the ride as well, right?

We got the ER again and after an hour of them doing everything they had just done 4 hours previously, they moved her (us) to Labor and Delivery. Her OB came in and said they were promptly going to give her a D&C to suck out all the blood and clots from her uterus in the hopes it would then close up and thus stop bleeding.

I'm praying for her with just about every breath I take and also trying to show her a confident and faithful look on my face.

As they took her back to operate, I decided to go visit Olivia for a while. I got to hold her for a good while. Then went down to eat la quick dinner in the cafeteria, then back to Olivia to give her her bottle at 6:00. She did a great job by the way.

After Feliz's procedure they carted her straight away to dialysis. She's been there ever since and I've been in the ICU waiting room waiting for her. They said the labs showed her white blood count is a bit high, so they are going to try to find where and what the infection is. After she finishes dialysis, they will do a catscan on her to look for it.

I plan to feed Olivia again at 9:00 PM and then see Feliz in ICU for a while, before having David take me home so I can sleep and mayhaps go to work tomorrow. I suppose it all depends on how Feliz is doing by then.

I LOVE all those of you that help me pray and that send so much love our way. God will in turn bless and love you, I just know it. Thanks for the continued support for Feliz and for our family.

I can't wait again to post about how great God is and how wonderful his wonders REALLY TRULY ARE.

God Bless. Goodnight.

Here I am. In that old place again. Down on my face again...

Crying out, I want You to hear my plea
Come down and rescue me

How long, will it take?
How long, will I have to wait?

Cuz all I want, is all you have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love
And all You want, is all I have
Come to me, rescue me,
fall on me, with Your Love

Sanctify, I want to be set apart
Right to the very heart
Prophesy, to the four winds
And breathe, life to this very place

How long, will it take?
How long, will I have to wait?

Cuz all I want, is all You have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love
And all You want, is all I have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love

Lifted up, I've climbed with the strength I have
Right to this mountain top
Looking out...
The cloud's getting bigger now...
It's time to get ready now...