Ready to lose it.

I don't know how much longer I can be the strong one. It's not an act. I HAVE been the strong one. It's just that I don't know how long I can continue to do so. One more straw WILL break this proverbial camel's back. I'm giving as much of these worries and thoughts to God but it's becoming a part-time job just to give them to Him. I'm running out of energy, time and breath to speak to him during the day. I hope He's just about ready to prove His Awesomeness to Feliz and I (and to all of you readers/fellow prayers). It hurts more than I can describe to not have the words to say to Feliz to talk her out of her sorrow and desperation. As her husband I hurt to see her hurt it is frustrating when I can't find any words to comfort her. Granted she has always come out of the funks she falls into, but that doesn't mean while she's there it's not extremely taxing on both of us.

I want God's healing hand to grab a hold of her and shake her until that pancreas and those kidneys are jump-started again. I want Him to restore her wounded soul and her mind to not doubt Him or the plan he obviously has for her.

I want to have so many praises to sing to Him, that I can't live long enough to sing them all. I want to be able to die with the testimony of His works still rolling of of my tongue. I want Peter to tell me to "shut up now" when I arrive at the gates.

I want anyone that stumbles upon this blog to not just read it as my (and Feliz's) struggles but that it will be evidence of the victories GOD made happen. I pray that my simple sentences and elementary words will dig deep into people's souls and find that God-shaped hole they may have and that they'll be ready and fully willing to let God finally fill it.

I want everyone to know without the slightest shred of doubt that God exists and that HE will get us through EVERYTHING we are scared or worried about.

I want to stop starting these paragraphs with "I want" because it makes me feel like a terrible writer. But maybe I am. And maybe I don't care. Never mind the maybe. I don't care.

I want...just kidding. I love you Lord and I will praise You through the storm(s).

Here I am. In that old place again. Baylor Irving...

My alarm clock never got a chance to wake me up this morning. Instead I awoke to my name being called. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. After I shook the sleep out of my ears, I noticed it sounded like Feliz's voice. She was calling me, but I didn't reply because Emily shared the bed with us last night. I just mustered my strength and sleep-walked to the bathroom. Feliz has the most panicked-look on her face I've ever seen as she said with wet eyes "I can't stop bleeding". As she uttered this, my eyes dropped to the floor that was covered in blood and still more was falling and crawling down her legs and rolling down the outside bowl of the toilet. I was freaked out to say the least. I asked how she felt and when/how it started. It had just started and she felt fine besides scared out of her mind. She had already made the executive decision to throw her crimson panties in the trash can. "I don't know what to do," she said as the tears rolled down her porcelain face. I said "Call the paramedics to take you to the hospital." It was a no-brainer for me. She said ok. I called and they were there in 3 minutes, yet after a minute she acted like they were taking forever to get there. In the meantime, I called my mom to come stay with Emily so I could follow to the hospital. They arrived and I helped answer their questions and got her some towels to help control the bleeding as best as we could. Best in this case wasn't very good at all unfortunately.

My mom got to the apartment just as they were driving out. I left soon after to be with her in the ER. She was still very scared and unsure as to why this was happening. She was certain of the fact she was extremely worried and scared. Who could blame her. She's been through SO much and she just always asks the question, "why me?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. I wish I knew how to keep her from losing faith and sleep and sometimes her sanity.

The doctors were little to no help, as we've come to expect. They did labs and also an ultrasound. The Ultrasound found that she had blood in her uterus. After finding this, they gave her Cytotec, a drug that pretty much makes her uterus contract and here's the interesting part, they then discharged her. She was starving so we stopped for lunch at Sonic then went by my Mom's to pick up Emily, but instead just had her drop off the prescription as Feliz and I headed to the apartment. We had been there maybe 5 minutes before Feliz again was making the bathroom look like a crime scene from Dexter. She had done this at my Mom's as well. If I had to guess, she had lost close to a pint of blood by now.

She made it to the bedroom sans our new bedsheets, luckily. Within 5 minutes she was in a world of pain from the cytotec causing bad cramps as she contracted. She told me she needed to go back to the hospital so again we called the paramedics and were on out way. This time I rode along. If the ride is going to cost me $500 or more, I might as well get in on the ride as well, right?

We got the ER again and after an hour of them doing everything they had just done 4 hours previously, they moved her (us) to Labor and Delivery. Her OB came in and said they were promptly going to give her a D&C to suck out all the blood and clots from her uterus in the hopes it would then close up and thus stop bleeding.

I'm praying for her with just about every breath I take and also trying to show her a confident and faithful look on my face.

As they took her back to operate, I decided to go visit Olivia for a while. I got to hold her for a good while. Then went down to eat la quick dinner in the cafeteria, then back to Olivia to give her her bottle at 6:00. She did a great job by the way.

After Feliz's procedure they carted her straight away to dialysis. She's been there ever since and I've been in the ICU waiting room waiting for her. They said the labs showed her white blood count is a bit high, so they are going to try to find where and what the infection is. After she finishes dialysis, they will do a catscan on her to look for it.

I plan to feed Olivia again at 9:00 PM and then see Feliz in ICU for a while, before having David take me home so I can sleep and mayhaps go to work tomorrow. I suppose it all depends on how Feliz is doing by then.

I LOVE all those of you that help me pray and that send so much love our way. God will in turn bless and love you, I just know it. Thanks for the continued support for Feliz and for our family.

I can't wait again to post about how great God is and how wonderful his wonders REALLY TRULY ARE.

God Bless. Goodnight.

Here I am. In that old place again. Down on my face again...

Crying out, I want You to hear my plea
Come down and rescue me

How long, will it take?
How long, will I have to wait?

Cuz all I want, is all you have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love
And all You want, is all I have
Come to me, rescue me,
fall on me, with Your Love

Sanctify, I want to be set apart
Right to the very heart
Prophesy, to the four winds
And breathe, life to this very place

How long, will it take?
How long, will I have to wait?

Cuz all I want, is all You have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love
And all You want, is all I have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me, with Your Love

Lifted up, I've climbed with the strength I have
Right to this mountain top
Looking out...
The cloud's getting bigger now...
It's time to get ready now...

T-minus two hours and counting...

Sitting here in L&D room 211 of Baylor Irving. Two hours away from meeting my 2nd daughter, Olivia Eve Yarmer. All the different doctors have come and done their due diligence of telling us everything that can go wrong and could go wrong with Feliz and the baby, today, next week, or next month. I was just walking back into the room a few minutes ago and as I passed the nurse's station, I hear them talking about Feliz. I know it was her because they mentioned "she was at dialysis this morning, but they sent her here with high blood pressure." The nurse went on to say "I'm surprised she's made it this far." Isn't it amazing how surprised people are with things? Feliz has so much negativity stacked up against her, yet we are surprised to be here. Our God is more powerful and faithful than any obstetrician could ever be. There is a GOOD reason God is always to be capitalized. This IS IT. He's a proper noun. The Properist of nouns! He is mighty and worthy to be praised!

These doctors are so negative and SCARED. But like I keep telling Feliz, whose report will we believe? The only One that matters, God's!

They are saying be ready to have Olivia here for 2-3 months. I can't wait to tell them who's to praise for her coming home in a matter of weeks.

God, I can't wait to sing your praises to everyone I run into.

On behalf of my entire family, Feliz and I thank you for all your fervent and continual prayers throughout this pregnancy and I can't wait for you to all see and meet Olivia Eve!

This will be my last transmission until after I meet her myself. Catch you on the flip side!

Take luck and God Bless!

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you will learn. My God, you will learn. -C.S. Lewis

That being said, I'm learning a LOT. The last 12 months has been mine and my family's most trying time ever.
In four more days we'll be at the year anniversary of losing my son Zachary Lincoln.
In two more months we'll be at the year anniversary of losing our Dad to his battle with cancer. Correction: Anniversary of him winning his battle with cancer as he is now completely healed and fully alive.
A month after that, Feliz started needing dialysis three days a week to make up for her kidneys failing. In August we found out we were expecting again, and the baby needed cleaner blood more often, so Feliz started taking dialysis four hours, six days a week. It's hard on all of us to be away from Feliz for 24 hours a week. At dialysis Feliz is surrounded by death and sick people. Once a week, someone is carried out of there either deathly sick or sickly dead.

Last week I took Feliz in for a rare infection that can lead to pneumonia and she is still fighting to recover from it.
While there at the hospital with her, my apartment office called to tell me our apartment had flooded due to a pipe bursting two floors above. When it rains it pours. And it was pouring into all but one room of our apartment.

As frustrating as the apartment flooding was, I gave the worries and trouble of it to God just like I do for Feliz's health and healing, Olivia's health and God bringing us through our financial struggles. God is teaching me to truly rest in Him and trust him with everything. Feliz is learning too. She's come a long way in the last 3 years we've been married in her reliance and trust in Him.

I don't know if this is right to say, but I feel Feliz is like Job sometimes and when this is all over God is going to bless her and us exponentially with more than we have ever had.

We are due to have our second girl, Olivia somewhere in the next 1-2 weeks and we couldn't be more excited and more nervous. This week is the same week we lost Zach a year ago and we are starting to get anxious about delivering. If Feliz was over her infection, I think we'd already have her.

I can't wait to write Feliz's entire testimony. It will make a great book and be a mighty testament to God's faithfulness and His miraculous ways. I hope it will touch many lives, but even just one would do.

Yarmer out. God bless.

Writing this isn't hard. What gives with my novel?

I'm about ready to pick up my novel and start writing again. I'm tired of just talking about it. 22,000 words is too far to have come not to complete the damn thing. I'm ready to move it out of my WiPs (Works in Progress) folder and move it to my Completed folder. I have so much in my head to write for it, just need to find the time to write it. I need to stop playing Xbox and pick up my pen, figuratively, and finish the book! I play to dedicate the book to my son's memory. That gives me even more motivation to make it good and to FINISH it. I already have ideas for the sequel and "threequel" books also. If I can ever prove it to myself that I can finish the first one.

I have other ideas in the pipeline of my mind. I want to write a series of short stories they may or may not be related to one another, some may have similar themes, or similar characters, or just similar subject matters, but not really all tie-in with each other. I think I may be a sprint-writer, not a long distance writer. Maybe that's my problem. Novels are too daunting to me. Too grand for me...at least until I see that I'm successful at it.

Ultimately, I'd LOVE to be able to work from home, just writing original thoughts and/or from things that have inspired me. I want to be able to fully support my family, to keep Feliz and Emily home. Not having to send Feliz to work also and Emily away to daycare or whatever.

When I think of that as an option, it excites me, but I can't seem to find true motivation to WRITE. Just motivation to WANT to write, if you follow me. I WANT to be successful and provide for my family, but I've got some mental block that's keeping me from putting myself to work. I need to breakthrough. I need a breakthrough.

For kicks, does anyone have anything they'd like me to write about? In short or in long form? I'm open to suggestions...not that I can promise I'll finish the piece that you suggest...

Come to think of it, I think my own negativity may be part of the problem. I need to stay positive and focused.

To my dear son, Zach...

Can I finally let go?

I've been waiting so anxiously for you to be here. Before we even knew we were having another baby, I was eager to have you, my own little boy, a son. Your sister has been here for 18 months and she's been such a blessing in our lives that your Mommy and I couldn't hide our excitement from anyone for wanting to see you. Wanting to hold you and to share our love with you, the same as we have with your sister Emily. When we first found out that you were in Mommy's tummy, we were so curious if you were a boy or a girl. Mommy said I always get what I want when it comes to our babies. I guessed that Emily was a girl because I wanted a girl first and that's what we got. After realizing we had another baby coming I made my prediction, my desire really, of wanting a little boy this go-around. On the day we were told that you were indeed a boy, your Mom and I couldn't have been more pleased. Mommy said you'd probably be born bald like I was, but I said no, you're coming out with a full head of brown hair. I said you'd grow to be tall like your Uncle John. It was only a few days ago that I was again proved right as you had plenty of brown hair, even at just 7 months along. Your feet were huge, with long toes like your big sister and Mommy. I'm almost certain you would have been tall. I won't get to know that one for certain until a little while longer.

There may be many days or years that must pass before I get to see you again, but I have plenty to be thankful for here on Earth, and I'll enjoy every moment spent with your Mommy and your big sister Emily. I'm hoping they can help fill the void left by not getting to enjoy the rest of my life with you here as well. And I hope I can do the same for them as I know your Mommy feels the same as I do and Emily will too when she's old enough to understand what she too has lost.

It took us nearly five months to decide on your name. But when we finally arrived upon the name Zachary Lincoln, we never considered another from then on. Your first name is Zachary because we don't know too many Zachs personally and that's kind of a rule of mine, not to name my children a name that is commonplace in my friendships. Your middle name is Lincoln because I wanted to share my nickname with you, the nickname Link. These last few weeks I've been thinking of how many different names I could call you, Zach, Link Jr., Lil Link, Linky, Mini-Link, Z. I was glad I had several choices. Now I know the nickname I'll use for you and it's accurately what you will always be to our family, The Missing Link, and you are Truly missed, my boy.

All That being said, I'm also relieved in a way. I'm able to take comfort in knowing that you don't have to endure all the cruelty of this world, that you don't have to ever feel the pain the rest of us feel. You'll never know hunger, never know thirst, you'll never feel physical pain of any kind. You'll never have to endure heartache from a loved one or from what is shown to be happening around the world. You are truly blessed to be where you are and to have been chosen by God to skip this world and to be with Him so soon. Our own selfish thoughts will come and go for a long while I'm sure, as we would have Loved to had you here a bit more, but we can't be mad about where you are instead. I'm so happy that you are in Heaven entertaining everyone with your beautiful ways about you, just as you would have for us down
here. I pray God will bring you to us in our dreams until we finally go up to meet you there. I may never have had the chance to calm you when you cried, to praise you when you did good or laugh with you when you did something cute, but I was given the chance to see you and to hold you for a short while. I pray that will tie me over until I see you again, but I know it won't. I'd never be so selfish as to say I want
you back here with me, but rather that I want to be there with you, when the time is right for me. I don't know why you were taken so soon and I'd lose plenty of years if I tried to find the reason, so I won't. All I know is that God knows better than any of us and this happened for a reason that is beyond me. I'd like to think that God took you now to spare us an even greater pain somewhere further down the road. And if that is in fact the case, for that I am truly grateful. You're so handsome as my baby boy, I can't wait to know and see how you grow up to be a man. Heaven just got that much more beautiful now that you've arrived.

I've been holding my breath waiting for you to come, and now you've come and gone all at once. Can I finally let go? I guess I will and I'll breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you're resting safely in God's arms.