Friday, May 14, 2010

To my dear son, Zach...

Can I finally let go?

I've been waiting so anxiously for you to be here. Before we even knew we were having another baby, I was eager to have you, my own little boy, a son. Your sister has been here for 18 months and she's been such a blessing in our lives that your Mommy and I couldn't hide our excitement from anyone for wanting to see you. Wanting to hold you and to share our love with you, the same as we have with your sister Emily. When we first found out that you were in Mommy's tummy, we were so curious if you were a boy or a girl. Mommy said I always get what I want when it comes to our babies. I guessed that Emily was a girl because I wanted a girl first and that's what we got. After realizing we had another baby coming I made my prediction, my desire really, of wanting a little boy this go-around. On the day we were told that you were indeed a boy, your Mom and I couldn't have been more pleased. Mommy said you'd probably be born bald like I was, but I said no, you're coming out with a full head of brown hair. I said you'd grow to be tall like your Uncle John. It was only a few days ago that I was again proved right as you had plenty of brown hair, even at just 7 months along. Your feet were huge, with long toes like your big sister and Mommy. I'm almost certain you would have been tall. I won't get to know that one for certain until a little while longer.

There may be many days or years that must pass before I get to see you again, but I have plenty to be thankful for here on Earth, and I'll enjoy every moment spent with your Mommy and your big sister Emily. I'm hoping they can help fill the void left by not getting to enjoy the rest of my life with you here as well. And I hope I can do the same for them as I know your Mommy feels the same as I do and Emily will too when she's old enough to understand what she too has lost.

It took us nearly five months to decide on your name. But when we finally arrived upon the name Zachary Lincoln, we never considered another from then on. Your first name is Zachary because we don't know too many Zachs personally and that's kind of a rule of mine, not to name my children a name that is commonplace in my friendships. Your middle name is Lincoln because I wanted to share my nickname with you, the nickname Link. These last few weeks I've been thinking of how many different names I could call you, Zach, Link Jr., Lil Link, Linky, Mini-Link, Z. I was glad I had several choices. Now I know the nickname I'll use for you and it's accurately what you will always be to our family, The Missing Link, and you are Truly missed, my boy.

All That being said, I'm also relieved in a way. I'm able to take comfort in knowing that you don't have to endure all the cruelty of this world, that you don't have to ever feel the pain the rest of us feel. You'll never know hunger, never know thirst, you'll never feel physical pain of any kind. You'll never have to endure heartache from a loved one or from what is shown to be happening around the world. You are truly blessed to be where you are and to have been chosen by God to skip this world and to be with Him so soon. Our own selfish thoughts will come and go for a long while I'm sure, as we would have Loved to had you here a bit more, but we can't be mad about where you are instead. I'm so happy that you are in Heaven entertaining everyone with your beautiful ways about you, just as you would have for us down
here. I pray God will bring you to us in our dreams until we finally go up to meet you there. I may never have had the chance to calm you when you cried, to praise you when you did good or laugh with you when you did something cute, but I was given the chance to see you and to hold you for a short while. I pray that will tie me over until I see you again, but I know it won't. I'd never be so selfish as to say I want
you back here with me, but rather that I want to be there with you, when the time is right for me. I don't know why you were taken so soon and I'd lose plenty of years if I tried to find the reason, so I won't. All I know is that God knows better than any of us and this happened for a reason that is beyond me. I'd like to think that God took you now to spare us an even greater pain somewhere further down the road. And if that is in fact the case, for that I am truly grateful. You're so handsome as my baby boy, I can't wait to know and see how you grow up to be a man. Heaven just got that much more beautiful now that you've arrived.

I've been holding my breath waiting for you to come, and now you've come and gone all at once. Can I finally let go? I guess I will and I'll breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you're resting safely in God's arms.

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